


One of Tony's Many Bad Ideas

by sapphire_void (orphan_account)



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Clint Barton, BAMF Tony Stark, Clint owns alot of guns, Could be seen as pre- Tony/Clint, Hair sin, Hurt Clint, I am the master at procrastination, If You Squint - Freeform, Karma Bitches!!!, Karma hates Tony, Lucky the pizza dog - Freeform, Mention of Clint using ceiling vents, Pepper signs Clint's cast, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, i dunno, lucky - Freeform, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-10-20 07:40:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10657980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sapphire_void
Summary: "Pepper was sorry. Happy was sorry. Rhodey was (somewhat) sorry. JARVIS and even Dum-EE were sorry, but Tony wasn't. This was the best revenge idea he ever had."Tony wants revenge on Clint for being so... assassin-y. It backfires on himself though. Worth it.





	1. Tony Gets His Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I really quickly put together. It's 11pm where I am and this is un-beta'd so if you notice any mistakes, please inform me.

Pepper was sorry. Happy was sorry. Rhodey was (somewhat) sorry. JARVIS and even Dum-EE were sorry, but Tony wasn't. This was the best revenge idea he ever had.

He was tired of being scared by Clint (unintentionally) sneaking up behind him. Using the vents as a cover. Seriously. What did they teach them at SHIELD? Eyebrow Raising 101? Being A Scary Killer 102? Hiding All Emotions To Annoy Tony Stark 103?? Bet Coulson teaches that last class.

Assassin or no, Clint had to get a bell. Probably fit it somewhere on his SHIELD uniform that was completely black and hid him in the shadows (which didn't help Tony at all.)

 

Tony entered though the front door of the building. Surely this couldn't be the place. Clint couldn't live in a place as junk as this.

The lobby was just unsanitary and the elevator wasn't even working.

Hiding a discusted grimace, Tony started making his way up the stairwell, which was just as dirty as the lobby. They really *had* to fix the elevator.

He climbed up a flight of stairs until he finally reached the second floor. He walked over to the apartment door, 21b.

He knew this was the place... he read Barton's file just 20 minutes ago... seriously, Nick should update his security on the files. It was just too easy.

Tony tried the handle, surprised to find it unlocked. Seriously? A master assassin and the door wasn't locked. He peered in, relieved to see that Clint had kept his apartment somewhat tidier than the rest of the building.

He nudged the door closed with his foot. All there was in this tiny little apartment was an old couch, metal stairs that led up into a bedroom, a coffee table, a rickety table and two chairs in the kitchen, an old fridge, and two dog bowls next to the kitchen table. A dog bed was careful set next to the couch, a handful of old (mostly shredded) tennis balls in it.

The fridge was left unplugged. Half curious, Tony made his way over to the it. He pried it open with one hand and frowned at what was inside.

It wasn't food. It was guns. There were guns of every shape and size hung on the walls and sitting in the doors. Pistols, snipers, rifles, sniper rifles, hell... There was even a bow-shaped space in the back and an arrow storage in the freezer. There were about two dozen knives and throwing knives placed on the door of the fridge. So that was why Clint clearly wasn't worried about leaving the door unlocked even if the lock was busted...

Suddenly, the engineer's face lit up. He had an idea. And this was a brilliant one. Really. Perhaps even as brilliant as his past ideas. (Not as good as his Iron Man suits, but better, probably, than the Thor Supreme Pop Tart Maker.)

 

 

 

Clint's hand paused on the handle, sensing a second presence. Lucky was at Katie-Kate's so he didn't go bounding in on top of the intruder.

"Nat?"

 

 

 

Tony held his breath and clutched the riffle tighter. The door opened and he caught his first glimpse of Clint.

"Try someone better-looking!" he called back. "You miss me?"

Tony took pride in the way Clint's face fell as he took in the scene of his overturned couch, opened and empty fridge and Tony Stark smirking at him from behind the cluster fuck he's made of the assassin's apartment... the assassin who could kill him countless different ways with his bare hands alone... he really didn't think this through.

Tony watched in horror as the archer shot him a murderous glare. "What. the hell. are you doing, Stark?" Clint appeared at the back of the couch in a flash. Tony startled.

"How come you guys can move that fast. What does SHIELD teach you guys?"

"Stark," Clint began, patiently. "Get the hell out of my-"

Tony grinned, showing his teeth.

"It's not your house anymore."

Clint stopped, frowning. "What do you mean, not my house?"

Tony's grin grew wider. "I now claim this apartment as 'Stark Is Awesome!' It's war, Barton. It needs my genius creativeness. Just look at it." He flared his hands to make his point.

 

 

 

Clint stared. His hand twitched towards his hidden knife hidden in his pocket but this was just Tony being Tony.

"It doesn't need any creativeness. Tony." Clint's voice took a turn for murderous. He gritted his teeth, "Give. me. back my. guns."

 

 

 

Tony smirked and jokingly pointed the gun at Clint. "Surrender the hidden safe - where I know you have your food - or suffer my wrath!"

"Hey, Clint. Can i borrow- Holy FUCK!"

The man's eyes were now glued to the gun in Tony's hands. Pointed directly at Clint... shit.

 

 

 

Aww, David, no. Just the wrong time. Story of my life.

Clint swears that he'll have those words on his tombstone. Something like, 'Aww, bomb, no' or 'Aww, grenade, no.'

His neighbour turned and ran. Clint turned back to the literal five year old hogging all his weapons.

"My guns..." Clint demanded.

"Never!" Tony declared.

Clint sighed and finally took out his knife. Just to look intimidating, he'd defend later. Tony took that as his time to panic.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Tony sighed. This wasn't all his fault. Sure, if you take out the part where he took an assassin's weapons, pointed a gun at that said assassin and got caught while in his gun fort, it wasn't his fault.

When he finally convinced the cops with his Stark charm, he had to pay Clint for the bullet he put in his foot. Clint had to patch Tony's knife wound on his bicep.

God, Fury is going to kill him for doing this to one of his best agents.

Clint glared a hole in his head when he sat beside him on the (now righted) couch as they waited for the medics.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Turns out, Fury was fuming. You could smell the anger rolling off him and all Tony could do was sit there.

He had managed to get the cops to let Clint keep his weapons in his fridge but he wasn't done there.

"You took out one of my best field agents in your destruction. You corrupted a safe house of the said agent, not only his home, but his neighbours have been affected. You have shot him in the left foot with his own gun, hitting the bone - and he is known for escaping medical. Thankfully he didn't with a foot wound.

"He will be on crutches for at least two months and going easy for a month after. You've corrupted a two month undercover mission set for him next week. You have inflicted damage to yourself..."

Fury stopped and glared at Tony who raised his hand like a schoolboy.

"Actually, he stabbed me..."

Fury's nostrils flared. "No. You angered the agent so it's down to yourself."

Tony huffed. He crossed his arms, careful not to pull his stitches, and leaned back in his seat.

Fury continued, "Agent Barton will need a close eye kept on him in his recovery time. That person will be you."

"What?" Tony's eyes widened. "You know he wants to kill me, right?" He started making wild gestures with his hands.

Fury looked directly at him. "Yes. And he has every right to. Agent Romonov will have your head on a spike once she gets back from Paris in two weeks. I expect you to look after Agent Barton. Go inform him. He should be ready to leave medical in about twenty minutes."

Tony sank into his seat. Worth it.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Barton was putting on a single combat boot when Tony entered his hospital room. His other was in his duffel bag Agent Agent had packed for him along with clothes with a SHIELD logo mark somewhere on them. It was the only clothes they had on short notice.

He couldn't put on the other boot with the bandage on his left foot. Other than that, Barton was dressed fully in his SHIELD uniform.

Barton glared at Tony, daring him to say something.

"You're coming with me back to the tower." Tony grabbed the duffle bag and threw it over his shoulder.

Barton glared harder at him. "Says who?"

"Nick Fury and Agent Agent."

Clint cocked his head to the side. "You mean Coulson?"

"Yeah." Tony agreed, waving a hand at him. "Agent Barton, if you will follow."

Tony took it as a victory as Clint followed after him on the crutches with the air of someone who has the experience of using them alot.

~ ~ * ~ ~

When they got to the tower and out of the sight of any Fury-ious men (heh), he showed Barton to his room.

"Now, the Slytherin headquarters for you Barton."

Barton shot him a neutral look. "Great. So I'm cunning and sly?"

Tony smirked. "These next few weeks are going to be fun. You can't be so silent on crutches, can you?"

Barton smirked back. "You'll see."

Tony's smile faded and he ran off to his lab to code JARVIS to say every time Barton was on the same floor as him.

"And I say I'm a definite Hufflepuff." Clint shouted after him.

 

Barton found a way and became friends with Rhodey, Pepper, Happy, Dum-EE, JARVIS and even Bruce (traitors.) They all got to sign his cast (JARVIS had Dum-EE do it for him) and he wouldn't allow Tony to. Steve got to sign it too, which was just sad that Tony still couldn't. Meh, he'll sign it when Barton's sleeping.

Clint was also good at coding stuff aswell. Yep, those next few weeks were going to be super fun...

 

...Worth it.


	2. His Second Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has an idea. Then he meets someone new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally. I am the master at procrastination. I've taken on taming a very dangerous horse and I've only been kicked once so that's been taking up my time. Sorry.

 

Tony yawned and pressed the button on the coffee machine a second time. Did it always go this slow? He'd have to make a better, faster one.

"JARVIS, add 'make a kick ass coffee machine' to my to-do list."

Pepper had made him sleep last night. Saying something about a PR meeting for Stark Industries and needing to be awake for it. JARVIS had to lock him out of his work shop. He was so close to finishing though. He just needed, like, 4 more hours.

"Before or after your 'kick ass bell for a spy-assassin thing', sir?"

"Definitely before." Tony started to nod off. The machine finally beeped, knocking Tony awake with the promise of caffeine.

"Yay." He snatched up his Iron Man mug and filled it with the steaming liquid.

"Tony, you'll be going to the meeting without me today. Clint and I are goin- Holy _God_!"  
  
Tony looked up from his mug, taking in Pepper's startled look. "Do I have something on my face?" He reached a hand up to his mouth.

Pepper didn't look away. "Lack of, more like." She walked up to him, covering her mouth with the hand not holding a tablet. "Tony, what did you _do_?"

"...you have to specify." Tony sipped his coffee. "I do lots."

Pepper shook her head. "Did you even look in the mirror? Dear God."

Happy ran through the door, looking around, "What's wrong, I heard Pepper in distress... but then again I shouldn't be asking. It's Tony, it's obviously Tony." Happy walked over to the table. Tony glanced over at him.

Happy did a double take and burst out laughing. "Oh my god!"

Tony sighed. "Somebody get me a mirror. I swear, if it's just some spinach stuck in my teeth..."

Happy doubled over on himself, gasping for breath.

"Look, I've a mirror in here." Pepper said. She pulled a small contact mirror out of her handbag and jabbed it at him. "Just _look_ at yourself."

Tony's jaw dropped. "What. The. _Hell_!?"

"Loving the new look, Stark." Clint winked from the doorway. He picked up his crutches and strode in, grabbing the full pot of coffee.

"Clint!" Tony swung to face him. "I bet you did this! This has your Hawk-ass written all over it!"

Clint looked at Happy and smirked, "You bet your asses."

Happy went off again, clutching at his sides. "A beardless Stark. Howard Stark would be turning in his grave."

Pepper rolled her eyes, "You done yet?" she asked.

"Far from it! Doesn't he have that meeting thing today? Oh my god, I can see it now. 'Tony Stark's new do'."

Clint chuckled. "Glad you like it." He turned around and limped out.

"He took my goatee and my coffee pot!"

  
~ ~ * ~ ~

  
Tony exited the elevator as quietly as he could. He gripped the small bottle tighter in his hand and chuckled.

"Hawk-ass finally gets an arrow to the knee." He snuck into the bathroom, getting JARVIS to open the doors silently as he travels. “Where's his shampoo?"

"On the shelf. Beside the shower." JARVIS reported, small specks of amusement leaking into his voice.

Tony's eyes scanned the shelf, coming up with the bottle. He unscrewed the lid and dumped the liquid into it and smirked. "Now. Laugh at this."

He closed the lid and stuffed it into his pocket. Never leave evidence. He learned that about a week ago, when Bird Man first moved in.

He walked back out the door, silently closing it behind him. He turned around in time to see a giant ball of fur coming right at him.

It knocked him to the ground and the resulting scream was totally manly. Whatever JARVIS said was wrong.

Tony's face was next covered in tongue and slobber. He sputtered, swiping away the beast on top of him. A dog. What was a dog doing in his tower?

"Lucky! Come here."

The beast - Lucky - leapt off him.

Tony grunted and looked up to see Clint standing at the end of the living room. "What are you doing, Stark?"

Tony wiped the saliva off his face and scrunched up his nose in disgust. "Why is there a dog in my tower? Since when did you have a dog?"

"He is Lucky, otherwise known as Pizza Dog... Long story." he added after seeing Tony's confused face, still wet with dog slobber. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing... how did JARVIS not tell me that there was a dog in my tower?"

"You never asked, sir."

Tony could practically hear the smile in his AI's voice. He really shouldn't have made JARVIS after a Friday of parties and while drunk.

Tony sighed and let his head back on the floor. "Never mind." He got up and walked over to the couch, followed by Clint and the Lucky Pizza.

He sank back into the cushions and glared at Clint when he sat on the single chair.

"What are we watching?"

Tony screamed again, head whipping round to the other assassin. "How did you get in here?!"

"Clint let me in." She shrugged. "Now, We ordered Thai food. Go down to the lobby and get it."

Tony sputtered. "Why me?"

Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. "Clint's injured and Lucky is a dog."

Tony narrowed his eyes at her. "And you?"

Clint shrugged, "And Nat is Nat, now go. I'm hungry."

Tony sighed and passed the remote to the redhead and got up.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Tony walked into the kitchen the next morning with a vague sense of deja-vou. Only this time _he_  would be laughing.

He had told JARVIS to start brewing as soon as he got up to save his time on making a new coffee machine just yet. He walked over to the coffee machine with his mug.

Tony stared at the reflection of himself on the machine.

"What?! _How_?"

"Morning Stark. Loving the hair."

Oh god.

"I think blue is really your colour. Other than red and gold. Why didn't you choose those?"

Tony turned to Clint siting at the kitchen island, drinking from the nearly empty pot with still-blond hair.

Clint smirked. "Assassin, remember? Takes alot more than that." He took out his phone and took a picture of him.

Tony could just stand there, mouth agape.

Clint hid his smile behind the pot. "I'm ordering pizza for breakfast."

At the mention of pizza, the Pizza Dog, Lucky came bounding through the door, sparing a moment to lick Tony's hand.

Pepper paused in the doorway. "Tony, what the hell?!"

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is welcome.


End file.
